It's weird. My body has the ability to demonstrate complicated belly dance technique, but I am trying to get over this serious mind-trip when it comes to choreography. My expectations get in the way too much. It's a trip because I practiced technique for the two years I took a break from Moon Belly performances. Now that I am performing with MB again, I have these warped expectations that I should be able to do choreography again and that it should come back easily.
When there is no pressure I pick up things so much easier. When I put pressure on myself I find a dichotomy in my personality. The floaty creative part of me gets distracted by the beat of the music. While struggling to remember the choreo I rebelliously hesitate and dreamily think, "Awww...I like how that little bird chirps in the downbeat of the second half of the 3rd eight count. I never noticed that before. I'm going to celebrate these new sounds with my own little movements."
While the perfectionist in me is yelling, "Keep your arms up!!. Turn on the 2!!!! We go this way!!!! Stay in line!!! Be right behind me!!!! Remember this next time!!! Get it finally!!! Get it next time because you are behind!!!!" The perfectionist wins over struggling and shoving the rebellious floaty dreamer dancer aside and says, "I'm going to concentrate and give this my very best and I am going to get it and remember it in par with everyone else."
When I don't get it right away I lose patience, get flustered, and floaty creative me says, "God this is stupid. Why do I need to know this anyway? I need to develop my own style and do my own thing. But I really do like this dance, and I do enjoy dancing in a troupe, and working my body....and I am still so damn excited about that bird that chirped in the downbeat of the second half of the third eight count. Shit it was so cool. I do really want to be a part of this."
Perfectionist wonders, "Man I really suck at this. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a belly dancer? I feel overwhelmed. I want to shut down. I want to slow down so I can do everything perfect. I need to go away from everyone and just run through it really slowly so I get it all. I feel old. I feel left in the dust. I cannot catch up. Oh my god, I am a failure! Maybe I just don't need this in my life because I am challenged enough as it is. I should just sit at the sidelines and watch. It's too much."
And then I get really pissed off and start blaming everyone around me. But, I keep doing it. And I keep doing it and keep doing it until eventually, something miraculous happens.
I feel the dance and my muscles and head mesh together. And finally things click and the dichotomies no longer exist. My ability to remember my movements and simultaneously move my body are harmoniously working together and it is fun. I am thoroughly enjoying myself and I remember why I am here.
After class each week I walk away with a flurry of emotions. The feelings are always different. Sometimes I feel cleansed, rank, powerful, sexy, and earthy, an embodiment of the wild feminine. Other times I have a greater sense of confidence and dignity that helps me demand Victorian ladylike respect. Other times I feel overcome, like I got a real ass-kicking. Sometimes I feel like banging my head against a wall. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Sometimes I feel incredibly conquered and powerless and have to call my mother and cry to her like a little girl.
I realize how this process is nothing new. How I have been acting out this process over and over again for 32 years and it is a cycle that I have identified as an aspect of my persona.
However, belly dance helps me take utilize this process to dive deeper into my femininity. And explore the depths of who I am as a woman in this world. Every week I challenge these dichotomies: mind/body. I am so thankful that Moon Belly is a space that helps open all these doorways for me.
Another note:
I found some great music I have some mighty fun costume ideas in mind. I feel a change in myself. I suddenly look at home decorations as nifty costume props. And I use costume props as home decorations!
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