Building a Dream...

(Photo by Nichelle Lawrence)


Find what is in your heart and do it.

The Mother in The Body

My 7-year old daughter woke up one morning a few weeks ago and said she had a dream about me dancing. I thought to myself, "oooh, ahhh, how sweet!" Until she described to me that I looked like a sex pot and that men were looking at me and she felt scared.

Hmmm...that was a bit of a downer for the morning.

She said it reminded her of a soda commercial she had seen with Christina Aguilera in it. I felt her confusion as she tried to process what media tells her is beautiful and sexy and also what her mommy does for a living.

So many questions surfaced for me: What do we, as grown women, do with all of these sexualized images of women that we see all day, every day? What do our innocent girls do with them?

How do we as women translate these images into our psyche? Do we try to aspire towards these ideals? Do we fight them? Do we compromise somewhere in between?

How do we as belly dancers transform the images of ourselves into something powerful or meaningful? Do we always want to? Is there not a little sick part of every woman that wants to attain the ideals of beauty that our culture and media shove down our throats?

We all know that large-scale market interests exploit women's insecurities about their looks. We all know that media and capitalism promotes an unattainable goal of physical perfection that is created purely for the sake of profit. We can see how sexuality is objectified and turned into something detached from the heart and soul. We know these things because we are not stupid and because we are bombarded by this reality thousands of times every day of our lives.

Sharlene Nagy Hesse-Biber says, "Mothers are crucial brokers of cultural norms...A mother's attitude about her own body image influences her daughter." So, I tried to explain to my daughter why I dance and wear the costumes I do. I tried to explain to her little mind that I am trying to create a new vision of femininity that does not separate mind and body and that is a healthy compromise between what I find beautiful and what culture tells me is beautiful. I tried to tell her I am trying to make my own life and be my own person, but that this task is not easy. I tried to tell her that at Moon Belly we are creating a new measuring stick that is more than the sum of our body parts, but that is empowered by a positive sense of our own individual ideas of sexuality. I tried to tell her that making dances and performing them is both utilitarian and aesthetic. Humans need sensory stimulation to thrive as much as we need food and shelter. Art helps us praise, glorify, mourn and celebrate.

I am not sure she comprehended much of what I was trying to say. I don't think I intellectually grasped it very clearly either. But, on an intuitive level I can feel that the interior dimension behind my practice of belly dance is sensitive to culture, socialization, as well as my inner truth.

Maybe one day she will feel it too?

Bless her.

Once more, I've had the pleasure of being a part of Kandice Grossman's vision extraodinaire! Taking part in her "WOMAN: God, Sex, and My Body" performance brought me such a thrill, and a jonesin like nobody's business to (*gasp*) perform again.

For this particular performance, I had my first experience on stage using a sword. Dancing to "Within You Without You" by the Beatles, which is chock full of Hindu spirituality and in the vein of much Indian classical music, our piece was in the "God" portion of the show.

For me, the most important thing about this performance (as drilled in class) was to become part of the group, not merely execute movements on beat. From the beginning, we were warned that this would be a different learning experience. This was proven immediately as we began to learn the choreography . . . learning with the lyrics as opposed to with 8 counts. We were instructed to be amoeba-like, to connect with each other, instead of focusing on being the one who was "doing it right" to come together (no Beatles pun intended) as one and, well, gel!

I think the line: "And to see you're really only very small/and life flows on within you and without you" sums it up quite well. Letting go of the ego on stage and becoming a part of the troupe was a bit harder than I thought, especially with a sword balanced on my head through various portions of the song. And I don't mean ego in the sense of arrogance, I mean the " the part of a person's self that is able to recognize that person as being distinct from other people and things." Turning with the sword balanced was going to be the end of me, or so I thought. But as the performance drew near, I grew relatively relaxed about it. Perhaps because this was my 3rd time performing, perhaps because we had such great instruction, perhaps because of a growing confidence that I am becoming a dancer.

Performing at The Blue Note in Columbia was a rush for me. In front of nearly 300 people, no less. Backstage, we kept getting reports about the line snaking into the alley. People. In line. I had some nervous moments, I'll admit. One or two lurches of the stomache. Intense dehydration right before we took the stage. But relatively, I was calm and knew what to do with these nerves. Deep breaths. Water. Yes, obvious solutions but when anxiety takes over it fogs my brain and pretty much renders any logical thought impossible.

On stage, I believe I only faltered once, trying to lower myself to the ground, sword on head, while doing figure 8's. I felt like the figure 8's disappeared and even jutted my arm up once in fear of the sword sliding off. But I didn't touch the sword, thank goodness, as it probably would've made it worse. Of course, if I see a video of the performance I'm sure I'll be Emily Critic #1. As usual. But for now, I feel pretty good about it. I even attempted to feel a connection with audience members, looking into the crowd for the first time without wanting to run off stage!

I feel even better though, about the whole sense of the show, the sense of community I see between the Dragonfly mama's, MoonBelly sistahs, and the local artists that support the show. Guest dancers Outer Limits and Pulguinha, costume designer Suzanne, the way everyone contributes. And how cool is the Columbia community for showing up in droves to this show? Until next time . . . I CAN'T WAIT!!!!